Last year, I was thrilled to be asked to write the script for a client’s annual Employee Awards ceremony. I’ve written for public speaking engagements before but only for my own delivery – and I’d only ever written with elements of comedy in wedding speeches. I was also conscious that, in writing for two people, the laughs need to be shared.
I learned that writing like this requires you to judge the personality of each speaker and mould the words around each person’s natural character. There’s no way you can expect even the best line to be read convincingly by someone who’s not willing to be ‘in character’ at the point they’re reading it. Equally, whatever characterisations are required to be brought to the lines can’t be too far from the speakers’ ‘normal’ personae. I found that it works best when I was writing a slightly exaggerated version of each speaker.
Thankfully, in [Jane] and [Peter] – not their real names – I had two people who were willing and able to play their roles in a not-entirely-vanilla way and I was able to riff slightly on that, making [Peter] a more self-absorbed version of himself and [Jane] a more waspish version of herself. On the day, they both played their roles brilliantly – although it was the most nervous I’ve been watching someone else’s performance since I was a parent at a Year 2 Nativity Play!
I should also address the confidentiality issue. For lots of good reasons, this client would rather not be identified and that is, of course, absolutely fine. For that reason, I’ve had to ensure there are a lot of [Pseudonyms] and [Redacteds] in the copy. I hope that doesn’t interrupt the flow too much.
If you have a public speaking requirement and you need to get the tone *just right*, maybe I can help. Give me a shout and let’s see what I can do…
<[Jane Surname] and [Peter Surname] are introduced by the CEO and start the ceremony>
[Jane]: Good afternoon, everyone and thank you, [Redacted], for that warm welcome.
In case you don’t know me, I’m [Jane Surname] and I’m [Redacted]’s [Redacted] Director.
As I’m in charge of compliance and rules, I tend to spend a lot of my time telling people they can’t do things.
So it’s wonderful for me to stand in front of you all, in these challenging times, and be able to bring a bit of happiness, this afternoon.
[Peter]: And I’m [Peter Surname], the Chief [Redacted] Officer at [Redacted]. As I’m in charge of systems and technology, I’m often busy working out how things have gone wrong, so we can fix them.
So it’s also great for me to take part in this celebration of the many things that have gone really well, this year – and to recognise the fantastic people who made them happen.
[Jane]: So without any further ado, let’s bring on the awards, applaud the nominees, cheer the winners and spend a little time enjoying the warmth and positivity of their achievements.
Are you ready to do that, [Peter]?
[Peter]: I think we should, [Jane]. In fact, I’m positive!
Let’s get started!
Award category 1: Most Supportive Colleague
[Jane]: The first award is Most Supportive Colleague. It’s an award that recognises the true essence of being a supporter.
You could describe supportiveness as a long-term commitment to offering positivity, without any expectation of a reward.
[Peter], you’re a Blackburn Rovers supporter. Would you agree with that?
[Peter]: I certainly would, [Jane]. I haven’t had my support rewarded since 1995.
But not all supporters are long-suffering, like me. Some are truly appreciated by all around them, for being unfailing beacons of positivity.
Here is [Alan Surname], our [Redacted], to tell you about five of them:
<Music & Applause>
[Alan]: The nominees for Most Supportive Colleague are…
[Looks at outside of envelope, reads nominees]
And the award goes to…
[Opens envelope, takes out note, reads winner]
<Music & Applause>
Award category 2: Best Demonstration of Leadership
[Peter]: Next up is the Best Demonstration of Leadership award. I found a great quote about leadership on the Harvard website, [Jane].
“A leader is best when people barely know they exist. When the work is done, and the aim is fulfilled, people will say: ‘we did it ourselves’.”
You’re a great leader, [Jane] – so I was wondering: Does anyone know if you exist?
[Jane]: Sometimes, I wonder if I do, [Peter].
But even if “barely anyone” knows about my existence – or yours – this award is to ensure that we celebrate the existence – and the leadership contributions – of five very special people.
Here is [Brenda Surname], our [Redacted], to tell you who they are:
<Music & Applause>
[Brenda]: The nominees for Best Demonstration of Leadership are:
[Looks at outside of envelope, reads nominees]
And the award goes to…
[Opens envelope, takes out note, reads winner]
<Music & Applause>
Award category 3: Best Value for Money Initiative or Idea
[Jane]: Our third award of the evening is for Best Value for Money Initiative or Idea.
We’re all very aware of the rises in cost of everything this year so, more than ever before, it’s so important to recognise anyone who can think laterally, to save the business money or get the very most from everything pound we spend.
[Peter]: That’s right, [Jane]. Who doesn’t love the idea of attending an important seminar on cost-effectiveness, in the Seychelles? But these days, you’re more likely to be invited to an economy drive in a Starbucks.
But if you think that’s a radical idea, here are three nominees who have had an even greater impact on providing value for money, this year.
Here is [Colin Surname], our [Redacted], to tell you who they are:
<Music & Applause>
[Colin]: The nominees for Best Value for Money Initiative or Idea are:
[Looks at outside of envelope, reads nominees]
And the award goes to…
[Opens envelope, takes out note, reads winner]
<Music & Applause>
Award category 4: Best Safety Initiative or Idea
[Peter]: Our fourth award is Best Safety Initiative or Idea. We often hear how ‘ensuring everyone’s Health and Safety is paramount’ – which means it’s more important than anything else.
But this award recognises people who have actually improved the safety of colleagues. Which makes it even more important than ‘paramount’ – but how would you describe that?
I was watching TV the other day and suddenly, that answer just came to me:
‘Paramount Plus’.
[Jane]: That’s not really the kind of safety idea that will win you this award, [Peter]. In fact, you should have risk-assessed that joke before you told it because I think you’ve just been ‘burned’.
While I report this incident in the Accident Book, here is [Debbie Surname], our [Redacted], with the nominees for this award:
<Music & Applause>
[Debbie]: The nominees for Best Safety Initiative or Idea are:
[Looks at outside of envelope, reads nominees]
And the award goes to…
[Opens envelope, takes out note, reads winner]
<Music & Applause>
Award category 5: Outstanding Individual
[Jane]: Our next award is our Outstanding Individual award. This is our Employee of the Year award, awarded to somebody who consistently exhibits each of our values: [Value_1], [Value_2], [Value_3] and [Value_4] – in everything they do.
It’s a huge accolade to be nominated for this award. Can you imagine being that highly regarded, [Peter]?
[Peter]: I can [Jane], but you’ll be pleased to learn that, this year, I’ve decided to rule myself out of the running for this award – to let somebody else have a go. And five of our colleagues now have exactly that chance.
Here is [Eric Surname], our [Redacted] to tell you who they are:
<Music & Applause>
[Eric]: The nominees for our Outstanding Individual award are:
[Looks at outside of envelope, reads nominees]
And the award goes to…
[Opens envelope, takes out note, reads winner]
<Music & Applause>
Award category 6: Excellent Example of Inclusion – All Values
[Peter]: Our sixth award is the Excellent Example of Inclusion, something that we should all be passionate about. I could certainly talk at length about how we’re very aware – and proud – of the importance we place on inclusion.
I could explain in great depth about the need to avoid having the same worldviews dominating our thinking, not allowing anyone else’s voice to come to the fore…
…[Jane], I think I should probably include you at this point.
[Jane]: Yes, [Peter], I think you probably should.
It’s great that we can all agree that a commitment to Inclusion is a vital part of any healthy organisation.
And to demonstrate that, we’ve excluded all but the following nominees, who the judges feel have demonstrated their commitment to inclusion more than anyone else.
Here is [Fanny Surname], our [Redacted], to tell you who’s on this exclusive list.
<Music & Applause>
[Fanny]: The nominees for the Excellent Example of Inclusion are:
[Looks at outside of envelope, reads nominees]
And the award goes to…
[Opens envelope, takes out note, reads winner]
<Music & Applause>
Award category 7: Team of the Year
[Jane]: Our next award is Team of the Year. The teams we work in form a vital link between ourselves as individuals and [Redacted] as a whole.
Achieving the goals of the team not only gives more meaning to the things we do, it can be a source of greater satisfaction when we do things well.
Good teams also ensure that the workload is shared more evenly when one of the team is struggling. In a world of algorithms and systems, this is still a very human way of working and it’s a part of working life that you can’t simply improve with technology.
[Peter]: Strictly speaking, the hardest-working team in [Redacted] is Microsoft Teams but the judges felt it was ineligible for consideration because a good team shouldn’t crash unexpectedly and keep putting you on mute for no reason.
But this award isn’t just about the team’s level of achievement but the way that those goals are achieved. To quote Bananarama, “It ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it; And that’s what gets results”.
Here is [Gordon Surname], our [Redacted], to give you that result:
<Music & Applause>
[Gordon]: The nominees for Team of the Year are:
[Looks at outside of envelope, reads nominees]
And the award goes to…
[Opens envelope, takes out note, reads winner]
<Music & Applause>
Award category 8: Consistent Customer Excellence by a Team
[Peter]: Our final award is the Consistent Customer Excellence by a Team. Many of our customers have experienced more difficulties this year than in any previous year, which often leads to them placing even greater demands on us.
Against that backdrop, an ability to give great customer service is one thing but doing that – consistently – takes something special.
[Jane]: Absolutely. It feels like there’s never been a more important time to offer excellent, empathetic customer service. And it’s wonderful to see that so many of our people are doing exactly that.
Here is [Hermione Surname], our [Redacted], to recognise some very special teams.
<Music & Applause>
[Hermione]: The nominees for Consistent Customer Excellence by a Team are:
[Looks at outside of envelope, reads nominees]
And the award goes to…
[Opens envelope, takes out note, reads winner]
<Music & Applause>
<CEO returns to stage>
Resonation 
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